Ya neva gonna get it, neva gonna get it

Friday night I was at a glorious dinner. I was with 5 women, all other moms who fill my heart with laughter, renewal and joy. I came so close to not going to that dinner, the very thought of getting my pregnant self ready for a nice dinner too overwhelming. After a little whining about not feeling well, with a promise to Ross that I'd be home early, I rallied and left. And two and a half perfect hours later, he was calling me. First, he gets concerned if my eyes are open after 9:30 pm and secondly, the one night in 3 years that I am out at 10 pm was falling on his poker night.

I answered the call and, while I said I'd be home in time for poker, alluded to how much fun I was having and would he consider skipping poker this week (he plays many friday nights after I go to bed.) I was trying not to let an edge creep into my voice. "Babe, it's really really nice to spend time with these ladies and I'd love not to rush home. Is there any way you can play another night?" He waited a second before calmly telling me that he was really looking forward to playing. "I haven't gotten to hang out with friends in awhile and was wanting some social time. You get to see these ladies a lot."

I took a few breaths and avoided the many words that wanted to come out of my mouth, many of them with 4 letters. That last sentence summed up a place where friction has wedged between us since we have become parents. It's the "you don't know what my day is like" discussion. No matter how many times (usually I) describe my day, or how many phone calls made during meltdowns so he can hear the madness, I still fear that he feels like my day is all lunch dates and shopping. In fairness, I envision his days as feeling fresh and showered every morning, feeling confident as he authoritatively manages a project and being respected for his expertise, all while checking gamecock stats online during breaks.

As he uttered that sentence, I breathed deeply, not wanting to start a discussion in public. I stayed miraculously calm as I reminded him that while I do see other moms frequentlly during the week, and while that is incredibly encouraging, that I could not remember one significant detail from anything they said. I reminded him that while I have lots of social interaction, it is interrupted every 2.1 seconds by hair pulling, snack stealing, diaper filling, nose wiping, booboo kissing, disaster avoiding intervention. I was having actual adult conversation, with no interruption, with a drink that looked like a real drink and without a diaper bag. It felt like fresh air.

Yes, he says, "I understand. I would really like to play tonight and would like some social time (turns out, corporate america isn't all about $200 dinners- despite the texts I get when he is traveling!). If you need to be a little late, I can make it work." I'll admit that I wanted him to tell me to stay out, order another fruity virgin drink and laugh until the sun comes up. But in a moment of pure grace, I was able to see that he was trying to meet me in the middle. I fully believed that I deserved to stay out all night and soak in all that adult-ness, but agreed to do what I could to get home on time.

On the ride home, we chatted briefly. I told him that I would have loved to have stayed but was okay  coming home.  (the checks were on their way. I left just a few minutes earlier than the other ladies.) I told him that while I didn't feel like he totally gets my day, I would concede that I don't get his days either. My precious husband said that, "no, we might not ever be able to understand each others' days but we can respect each other and our needs."  I did not understand why he had this great need to play, to compete with other men (hello, read a book on men!) but I had to respect it.

I'm not gonna lie. I still feel like he totally should have conceded the night to his wife. I had make-up on for goodness sakes!! But as good as staying out that extra 20 minutes may have felt, it felt good to compromise, to acknowledge that he met me in the middle, and to have his needs met, just as mine had been a few hours earlier.

I feel like the angst ridden talks about whose job is harder may be on the decline. Because even if we swapped roles for a week, our experiences with each others' jobs would be different. (read: Mary Kate would nap for 4 hours a day and be a saintly little angel toddler all week.) Instead of trying to beat my oh so difficult experience over his head, I will begin putting that same energy into simply accepting that our days are different, that we will never fully understand each others' very different worlds. We can only respect the other persons' experience and trust each other when our need to renew arises.

Flower girl, etc

Our sweet girl was a flower girl this weekend at my cousin Daniel's wedding. Daniel and Krista are a beautiful couple and we were honored to be a part of the wedding. The church Ross and I were married in asks that flower girls be 5 years old to participate in the wedding. I previously thought that was crazy but now I think they are very, very wise! Seriously though, MK did a great job despite a total overhaul in schedule and being in a hot dress with mosquitos only Savannahians can understand! She waved going down the aisle saying hi to everyone. For full disclosure, she then got to our seat, tooted, and yelled to the 45 guests during a quiet moment that she had filled up her diaper. And just as I was thinking about how sweet and dainty my little girl was being...

feeding the ducks with granddaddy on a gorgeous Savannah afernoon

A facebook re-post but this is exactly how every single car trip since July 9, 2010 has gone. You name it, we have tried it. It is truly the protection of God that has gotten us through unscathed. If it weren't for the lady below, we would never go to Savannah. Mom, thank grandma please.

This was actually back in November during my half marathon weekend. I love that two of my favorite people on the planet are just smiling at each other. As I said, it is because this lady can't travel that I even entertain the idea of tortuing ourselves every car ride home!

found this on mom's camera while we were home. It was taken when Ross and I returned home from a wedding weekend in May. We didn't even make it into the house. My first time away was oh so hard and hasn't gotten any easier. How I love this wild girl!

another found on mom's camera. Look how tiny my precious girl was? I am so so so thankful that soon I'll get to have that same feeling. Even if new baby wants to eat 24/7 and sleep only during daylight hours, I know I'll feel as happy as I look in this photo of July 2010!

Cell phone dump

I lost our camera- our new, saved for, researched, camera. The good news is that the guy at Enterprise (crazy car situation lately) remembers seeing it. The bad news is, he can't find it. Poor guy probably wishes he had lied and said he hadn't seen it for all the grief I've been sending their way. Still hoping St. Anthony pulls through because I'm pretty sad. While I try to keep in perspective that a camera is a "thing" and that while we are not able/going to buy a new one right now, I will keep taking bad blackberry photos. The quality doesn't make me smile. The subject lights up my life. So, in the event that all we have to record the first half of 2012 is a blackberry, here we go.

playing in her room, Easter 2012

I am sure she is begging loudly for "e-i-o, e-i-o" which used to be the Baby Einstein Old MacDonald movie but is now the "baby animals" Einstein show. Holy animal obsession. Giving her Frances as a middle name was fitting!

not the best photo but this is the first time she "danced" with someone other than daddy. Grant is our sweet friend and we couldn't be happier of her choice for that first non-daddy dance!

just a cute breakfast photo. 90% of that would end up in Mack's mouth. Guarantee.

No disney princesses for this girl and her dad. Ross always sings "abba, father" to MK at night but we both only knew one verse. He broke out the hymnal my mom stole from Blessed Sacrament (we used to sing hymns to calm her on those tortuous car rides and got tired of making up words :) Now he knows more verses and MK breaks into "abbbba" many times a day. So sweet!

got this peapod for a major steal at Kindermart. I have almost no faith that MK will sleep in this on trips but it definitey works for a rainy day activity for now!

We have a small trail by our house and on one evening when Ross was out of town, I surprised MK and Mack with a nature walk (usually this is totally dad's job). Hate that she looks 4 to me in this pic

just like this pic of our girl showing mama her "teeth"

sweet Easter photo. Love that the sun puts a "glow" on her. 30 seconds later she was throwing a monster fit.

Never gets old

I just came home from our 16 week appointment for baby Ninness. I am willing to bet that even those with 5 and 6 and 12 kids never tire of hearing their babe's heartrate and of the assurance that baby looks healthy. It feels like I already know this person and only get to "see" them once a month. While I didn't get to look at little person's face and while little person hid from the ultrasound for an excruciating 30 seconds, the second I heard that precious sound, it was pure joy. Little baby seems much more active than big sister ever was, moving so much we could only hear interference for awhile. Heartrate was 150, down from 162 last time so he/she is keeping us guessing on gender if you believe heartrates as an indicator. This is definitely one of the fun parts of waiting until birthday to find out the sex- the guessing and wondering if old wives tales are true. One tale says we are having a boy while another says girl. I could not be more honest if I said I  could care less which we get. Maybe after 3 or 4 girls I will start whispering to God that a boy would be nice but until then, I am in a state of pure joy that I get any kind of baby.

To little baby Ninness, you were created by Jesus to join our family. Whether or not you question His judgement one day, you will never wonder how much you are loved.  You are a gift to this family, another little soul to add light to this world. Stay safe little one and know what a blessing you are!

7 Quick Takes Friday

hosted by Conversion Diary

1. Finding the time to put any sort of blog together these days is difficult. More difficult is finding words that don't sound absurd in my head. As I mentioned awhile back, the Lenten reflections pamphlet that I contributed to has been posted at Faith and Family Live. Knowing that what you've written is being read by a large amount of people all of a sudden makes writing more daunting. Nonetheless, I am confident that God alone will determine what happens with these words, even if it means people are gagging.
2. I love Sundays for so many reasons. This past week I found yet another. Ross took MK to nursery where she pranced in happily and came to meet me in the sanctuary. Ross put his arm around me and we both looked down at the ever-growing belly. As many post-first-baby pregnancies go, I get busy with life and Mary Kate and popping prilosec. On Sundays, it's just daddy and mama and Jesus and baby number two, without the distraction of big (loud) sister. Ross put his hand on his newest babe and I smiled, finally taking a minute to breathe a sigh of thanksgiving for this baby.
3. Taking a big left turn, what I do NOT love during Mass is "helicopter head." My definition of this is when a baby is crying and 30 people turn around to confirm the obvious. Having been the red-faced mama of a crying baby, none of those faces were calming. I'd venture to say that even if you turn around to give a sympathetic smile, your time might be better spent facing forward and saying a prayer for that mama. My two cents: unless you are turning around to hand that lady a starbucks gift card to get her through the day, keep your eyes forward.
4. Whew. Now I feel better. On to things that matter more, much more. My heart is heavy lately with the burdens being carried by so many. As I sit in the comfort of my home, there is baby being held by a nun downtown whose mama has full-blown AIDS. Will that mama see her little girl grow up? There is another mama a few hours east who is enduring a very difficult post-chemo day. I pray for her comfort and complete healing. There are close friends who would give their left arms to become mamas. Oh Lord fill their homes with sweet babies. My amazing brother has a broken heart and a breaking spirit. Oh that he would find a faith that reminds him that God truly comforts the brokenhearted. Just lots of reasons to sit down, close my eyes, and sit in trust that Jesus has got all of this.
5. Yesterday, our MOPS group heard an amazing couple talk about marriage. Quoting often from Love and Respect, it was basically a dart between my eyes. I know that a woman I admire endorses it highly and I even HAVE the danged book. Time to open it. I love my husband intensely. And I would tell you all day long that I respect him immensely. But I can see that having been self-sufficient for 10+ years before we met, I formed some habits that need tweaking. At the end of the day I need to show him what I feel inside- that he is a strong, loyal, successful, handsome man of God who provides for this family in every single way.
6. Mary Kate must have read my post about this age being my favorite because she has decided to make a fool out of me. She has been a pill this week and is making me crazy with whining and throwing fits. But today as she hurt herself during one of her fits, I sat down to hold her and blot the blood on her lip, I spotted an eye tooth popping through. So I'm hopeful that my angel baby returns in time for our uber busy April with lots of travel and routine changes.
7.  I have read many inspiring women who say that God always gives them just enough grace to get through a day. Yesterday, Ross was working major husband over-time by installing our new sink and disposal. Knowing MK would want to be under the sink "helping" dad, I realized I'd be working overtime too. After a rough post-nap time at home, we headed for the park. I was exhausted, feeling like 3 more hours of solo parenting might do me in. I literally had tears in my eyes as we left the park to go eat dinner, all of a sudden not believing those ladies. I did not feel that grace flowing in, giving me that last needed bit of energy to get through the next hours. But, big surprise, we got to a favorite restaurant with outdoor patio where MK could roam. She ate a bowl of chicken-chili like it was her job and clapped and sang. She was the perfect toddler child. Unexpectedly, our friend Karen  came to meet us toward the end and gave Mary Kate her favorite thing- an audience. Driving home, I couldn't believe it had been more than 3 hours since I'd doubted that God would supply me with a few more drops of energy. But supply me He did. One day I'll stop being surprised by the gift of his grace!

Etched

This Sunday was one of those that I need to remember. When I am old and forgetful, I want Mary Kate to read this and remind me of this oh so sweet day. It started with an invitation by the Missionaries of Charity (Mother Teresa's nuns) to Mass in their home. For most of the time Ross and I have known each other, their living room was our sanctuary. As our need for a nursery arose and the sisters' ministry changed some, we see them less. We were happy to attend Mass as the Sisters as they had invited Archbishop Gregory to say Mass. The last time we spoke with Archbishop, he gave a blessing to Mary Kate who was in utero.

We arrived, greeted by faces of love from our sisters. The Archbishop quickly arrived and remembered blessing Mary Kate over 2 years ago. He quickly assured us that he would not be disturbed by her "talking" and that it is adults who bother him during Mass, never children. He spoke to us of a father's love and of the Ten Commandments as a tool to grow in our faith. He smiled when Mary Kate pronounced "Amen" a  few too many times.

Mary Kate was uncharacteristically calm this Sunday, battling a little virus. She alternated between mine and Ross's shoulders or sitting calmly on our laps, if talking her way through Mass. At one point, she kept looking back at Sister Brunetta. As Sister reached out her arms, our girl climbed to her. A few minutes later, I looked back and MK was laying on Sister's shoulder, as content as can be. I know she was sick and lacking her little "let me down to destroy this room" mentality, but looking at a woman who has been with you since your first date with your husband (remember, "Keri, if you do not marry him you have to wear my habit!) hold your precious baby, well, it warmed me so.  I never want to forget the image of my girl feeling comforted and safe in the arms of my beloved Sister Brunetta.

Mass ended and Archbishop joked that he had some competition for attention with Mary Kate. Newly arrived Sister Dominga whispered that there was no competition- MK  clearly won. We received a blessing for new baby and Ross helped direct the Archbishop out of the driveway and into the road. A thankful Archbishop rolled down the window and declared to Ross that he would get the boy he wants! Come September, we'll see how much pull he has with the big guy!

Sunday was a nice escape to a smaller church, to being surrounded by the Body of Christ. We sat with a 26-year-old HIV patient, having her baby TODAY! We prayed for baby Kamille and for her mother. We saw old friends and felt the warmth of being "known." I remember when MK was first born, holding her during Mass. It was the biggest dream fulfilled- more than even having a baby, my dream was to hold that baby during Mass. As a tiny baby, we held her in that same small living room, with those same prayerful, holy sisters, and felt like we were with family.

What a wonderful little family reunion we had! I will make sure to get some current pictures next time. There isn't a luckier little girl than our Mary Kate for having these ladies love her so!

Vania has been with the sisters for many years, most recently battling kidney failure. She was not feeling well Sunday bit still stopped to kiss our girl.

Sr's Brunetta, Anunciela and Dominque- still loving MK almost 2 years later.

my most favorite stage

I have never been the mom to say "this is my favorite stage" to every stage. I don't know if I've said that even a handful of times. I love my child with every tiny ounce of my being, but I am by nature a little pessimistic so it takes a lot for me to be all "the world is perfect." It wasn't long ago that I wrote about my precious toddler monster. But today, I can safely say that 20 months is my most favorite stage.

20 months ago, I gave birth to a beautiful, tiny, high maintenance, car-seat hating, noctural baby. Today, I have a beautiful, petite, sometimes high maintenance, car-seat hating, non-noctural toddler. She is my glimpse into the life of someone who feels joy easily. Every day in recent weeks, I watch her, study her. And I get a little flicker of what I am sure is JOY.

There are many reasons this is my favorite stage but a few include:

• learning that there are two parents in this house and finally saying "mama" regularly. I have yet to grow tired of hearing my name of those little lips.
• her discovery of affection. Oh how she will hug you, kiss you, lay her head on your shoulder and say "awwww." But my favorite has to be when she grabs your face and pulls you forehead to forehead. Melting.
• how lovey dovey she gets when I pick her up from somewhere. Whether church nursery, mops, or her best friend's house, she walks in willingly. But she walks out oh so happy that I have indeed returned to get her. And she hugs and hugs and kisses me for a long while after we're gone.
• her memory is getting so good and I love the little sponge this child is becoming. Singing "yeah! Jesus" (yes, Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me) or ABCDEFG, or her current obsession, old macdonald, I adore watching that little brain work
• seeing and hearing her daddy teach her. Listenting to those two go over animal sounds or body parts or colors or words is precious. When I was pregnant with MK, Ross said he was most excited about teaching her. While I would argue that we have both been much more student than teacher, I am happy to see his dream come true.
• watching her with friends. Today at lunch, she and Joy Elizabeth made faces at each other, mimicking each other and cracking each other up. My little girl has a true friend and "Cakes" nor I could be any happier.
• watching her love her dog. Oh how I could live without a dog for the rest of my life. He is almost as good as a dog comes but he still drives me bonkers. But Mack makes MK and Ross so happy. And for that, he stays.
• This kid's zest for life, especially "ouside." What I would give for 1/100th of her energy and exploring little heart. I know this does not make her unique in the world of toddlers but what it does do is make her mama just a little more intrigued by the world. She loves nothing more than seeing a "cretty" flower or a "cretty" rock or making herself dizzy in the grass. She may look like me but kid has her daddy's everything else.
• Her love of a lap. If you are sitting on a floor, she will come from playing happily in another room to throw her legs over your hips and make herself comfortable. While this is terribly uncomfortable for mama and new baby, I happily endure it.
• I haven't witnessed this yet, but Ross said one of his favorite moments is at night when she is waiting on him to come in and begin reading to her. She has a cup of milk in hand and waits patiently next to the rocking chair, eager for him to sit down and begin their nightly ritual of reading and snuggling and teaching. What I love about it is their deep, deep bond and the most precious love between a father and his daughter.
• The name of Jesus coming off those lips. Y'all, nothing in the universe is as sweet as hearing my daughter say, "Jesus?" at a statue of St. Joseph in my in-laws church. Or pointing at any cross and confidently saying "Jeeeesus." I am waiting on the day she sees an older, long haired man and calls him Jesus. It is a daily reminder that she is a sponge and she will absorb whatever "food" we give her. My greatest prayer for her is that she know and deeply understand the words from Isaiah 41:10 "'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'" I pray my heart out that no matter where she is in life, she will feel the comfort of Jesus right next to her loving her and protecting her.

If I have said it before, I don't remember. But this is my favorite stage. Yes, we have moments of toddler monster but those grow fewer as she continues to learn to communicate at a rapid fire pace. I simply can't believe God gave her to us. The question that plagued me as an adolescent and young adult, "How could he possibly love me?" no longer exists. Simply watching that child for a few seconds tells me, "obviously He does."

her favorite place- with Mackey

little peanut still fits into last year's St. Pat's dress. Sweetest 20 month old in the world!

After a 30 minute power nap at ShaSha and Pops' house to celebrate ShaSha's 65th!