Yesterday sucked. Absolutely sucked. "Sucks" was a forbidden word in our house growing up. But sometimes nothing else fits. Yesterday can't be described any other way. It started out wonderfully. I was awake before everyone in the house. I pumped before Timothy started crying. Mary Kate came down to breakfast on the table. If anything is a recipe for a good day, that is. Then about 11 minutes later, everything went to pot. Then it got worse. And even worse. And when I didn't think it could possibly get any worse? You guessed it. There was lots of crying. Lots of "I can't do this." Lots of anxiety. I read this post by Mama Needs Coffee and it fit perfectly.
The jury is out on whether I may have a touch of PPD. I will talk to the doctor soon because thou shalt not mess with that stuff. But today, today is different.
I woke up to flowers from Ross with a post it that said "Today is a new day." My precious friend Anna sent a text that said "Enjoy today." The sitter arrived and I took my girl to do some grocery shopping.
We met a friend for lunch and both big kids napped when I got home. While the big kids napped, I chatted with Timothy. I fed him while I read a "just for fun" book. I said a few silent prayers to stop resisting the needs of my children, to embrace all.the.needy. I don't feel fabulous today, but I don't feel like roadkill either. Life isn't easy but it's manageable. Yesterday, it was a slice o' hell.
The point in this rant is for the tired mama who will look back in a week, when another day just sucks. And it's for Mary Kate when she's a tired mama. There are horrid days of motherhood (or any job). But my senior yearbook quote said it perfectly, "The sun'll come out tomorrow." The sun does come out. It may take a few days. It may take more than 2 nights of not getting up to feed a baby, or pop his paci back in, or turn him back onto his tummy. It may take more than the end of that 4th trimester of newborn chaos. But it does come back out.
Spring is here. Lent is nearly half over. New life is coming in every way. I hope that the next time a day is kicking my rear, I won't crawl into the hole that tells me the rest of my life will be like this. It's so easy to forget that the pain and frustration and anxiety and fatique is just temporary, in any situation. Bad days are followed by good days which are usually followed by bad days again. It's just life. The trick is not believing that any of it is permanent, enduring the bad in await for the good and then treasuring the good, for as long as we are blessed to have it.