Tuesday, March 19, 2013

brain dump, emotion version

The last few days have been rough. I can't put my finger on what, but I know the common theme is "things Keri is not doing well." I think it was prompted by my trip to Savannah. It was a good trip (presh pics to follow) but for me, lots of family time usually leaves me feeling like I kind of suck. I start (over?) analyzing everything. I want to be fun versus a stick in the mud. I want to be supportive versus critical. I want to be encouraging and loving. Known sometimes as "the religious one" in my family, I want this faith I profess to shine through. But I leave feeling like I just may push people further and further away from this person, this Jesus, that I talk about.

I can give myself grace and remember that I am not powerful enough to thwart God's plan for anyone. I cannot change His plan for their lives, even if I acted like a total horse's behind for 2 days. Ross told me to have a drink and just have fun. Why does that seem like a mountain to climb some days?

I'm back home and on day two of just feeling like there a million things I am not. I am not discliplined. I am not patient. I am not loving. I am not healthy, I am not prayerful. I am not determined or committed or intentional. The counselor in me is trying to separate who I am from what I'm doing. The objective truth is that I am not doing a great job of living a well disciplined, patient, loving, prayerful, determined, intentional life. I am lagging behind.  And I never do well in last place.

In any area of my life, the better I am, the better I am. Success drives me to do better, be better. Failure, perceived or not, stunts me. I get so weighed down with all the things I am not doing well and cannot climb out of the hole of self-degradation, and yes, sometimes self pity,  too. The trick is always to find that happy middle of acknowledging areas that need improvement while giving grace and remembering that my worth comes from doing not a damned thing. It comes from being His.

Having children helps. I try to imagine Mary Kate coming to me at 31 years old with two needy gremlins at her ankles and saying "mom, I totally suck at life right now." I would do what my mom does so, so well. I would tell her that life is not a party right now. That despite the most loving family in the world, she is doing it without grandma right down the street ready for insta-babysitting or insta-grocery shopping. I would tell her that her children are perfect and beautiful and that raising them is the most important thing she can do. I would tell her that noone gives a crap if she finishes her half marathon or throws up on mile 6, as her current training might predict. I would tell her that Jesus knows her love for Him and that she just needs to keep sitting at His feet.

I go back to that wonderful text from my friend Elizabeth:

So, I'm gonna stop the emotional projectiling and take a deep breath. I'm gonna go spend some time with Jesus and trust that to Him, I'm doing okay. Goodness knows I've got major room for improvement but, as my college counselor used to say, "spend some time on the pity pot but don't forget to flush." Flushing commenced...

1 comment:

  1. Been praying for you daily, but just now seeing this post. Keri, I understand how you feel. I go to that dark place on occasion. Let me reassure you, that the One who loves you the most knows exactly who you are and He loves you no matter what. You are not perfect and neither am I. But I like that quote, and every day is new in God's glory. Hope this week as been better...