I am having a day over here in Smyrna. It started off well. By 11am, I had washed all the sheets in the house, had dinner in the crock pot, one bathroom cleaned, sink cleaned (cause my old friend Weschler always reminds me kitchen sinks hold more bacteria than toilets). I had a baby napping longer than usual and a living room dusted. I started to feel competent.
Fast forward 3 hours and a few self-indulgent tears later. I have a daugher asleep, a dog not licking me, and the breeze coming in the windows my husband convinced me to open. But I am not thinking about this beautiful place. I am thinking about the places I "want" to be. The house I want to own. The new car we just decided not to purchase. The new job I desire for my husband. The way I wanted to feed my daughter. Didn't I just blog about being content where we are and not needing things?
Life is so, so beautiful for our family right now. But my discontented heart is focusing on doors recently closed, and the seeming lack of windows opened. It is focusing on where we are not very strong (weak is not even the appropriate word.) Recent nutritional needs for Mary Kate have me feeling terribly inadequate as a mother. It deserves a post of it's own but even I have a limit on self-indulgence. I am so disappointed in myself that I have allowed a few insignificant setbacks to cloud my view of the beauty that sits in front of my face.
Need I repeat it again, idiot.
I feel like a child, a bratty, bratty child. My husband has a job that allows me to stay home with my child. My child has been nourished exclusively by my milk for nine months. My friends rival the apostles of Jesus in loyalty, compassion and goodness. Why is it so hard to keep the focus there some days.
All together now...
I will step off this bandwagon now. (all clap in gratitude). I know that I am human and as humans with sinful hearts, we will always want more than we have. We will always want to be in that next place in our lives- the place with more square footage and bigger cars and fabulous milk supplies :) But, as sweet J.Space reminded me today (thank you gchat!), until ALL we desire is God and his love, until that fills every superficial, materialistic want, and even the honorable, respectable wants, there will be days where we will be total idiots, craving the next big thing.
Mama Ninness here is heading to confession this week. The state of my heart is pretty gritty right now and while I am so assured that God is smiling at his idiotic daughter right now, there is real, selfish sin that needs to be confessed. I don't doubt that I'll be enving and wanting before I even walk out of the confessional, but it feels good to expose it for what it is and to aim for wanting the biggest thing- the big guy upstairs.