Benched.

I read back at my last post and am realizing that I can be simultaneously thankful and aggravated by this bed rest business. The moments of frustration do not erase the gratitude or diminish all that we are learning from this season. Without the constant help we have had, I'd be riding this out in the hospital. I truly, truly get how blessed we are. I have no idea how people without such selfless family and loving community manage times like these. We would be lost. Lost.

That said, it is hard y'all. I fear that if I go into all the reasons I'm struggling today, I won't crawl out of that hole. But I also don't want to look back and see nothing but posts on all the good lessons. There's no transparency in that. Someone I knew in high school who is a facebook friend posts multiple times a day on how wonderful and perfect life is. Like anything in cyberworld, it can leave you wondering if you are the only one whose life isn't all roses or if there's a lack of authenticity. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a total jerk.

Anyway, while no one would deny that a chance at having a full-term baby as opposed to a premie is a wonderful gift to be cherished, I also don't think anyone would say that a sudden change in everyone's daily lives is a walk in the park. I miss everything. I miss making my own food instead of waiting for someone to ask if I need a meal or worse, me having to ask for a snack. I hate getting up to a baby crying for her mama only to be scolded by all parties for getting out of bed. I know I have to let go. I know I have to follow the rules to keep baby safe. But what I don't know is how any mother resists picking up her hurt toddler who very clearly misses being picked up by her mama. I don't know how a mother hears her baby crying her heart out, big crocodile tears for mama, and doesn't go to her. I know this is why many women bed rest in the hospital because it's sooooo hard to watch YOUR life happen, YOUR home be managed, YOUR child be parented, all while on the sidelines. I've been benched and I freaking don't like it.

Trusted friends have told me how fast this season goes by and how I will look back and think it happened in a blink. Just as they told me during those awful newborn months, I sit, unable to believe a word they say. But we'll keep the Pandora worship music playing, keep working on gratitude, and keep focusing on the end goal of a big fat, roly poly, full term baby Ninness. Even simply observing from the bench, I am damned lucky that this is my life.

an oldie but goodie, and kind of how mama feels today too! Everyone needs a good fit pitching every so often, right??