Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I try to be so tough...

I am taking a deep breath and trying to figure out how to say what's on my heart today. I feel like I've been run over by a mack truck. Staying up until midnight having small (okay Ross- large)  panic attacks will do it to you. The reasons aren't really important. Basically they all boil down to the same thing. Idiot here needs to put some faith in the God she professes to believe in. Last night I was so consumed with fear and anxiety that I could not pull myself together. I held my hands on the kicking person inside me and felt the small whisper of God trying to tell me "child, you can keep trying to do this life thing without me. but I wouldn't recommend trying to raise this baby without me. Not such a good idea." In theory, I have no intention of raising this baby without God's guiding hand and grace. But in practice, well, let's just say that I'm a little out of practice in running to God for my needs. NO amount of financial security or job security or fellowship or family peace is going to settle my heart. No home on a cul de sac or new furniture or number in the bank will ever be enough. I am chasing an impossibility. I heard these lyrics to Josh Wilson's "Savior, Please" this morning and they were perfect.

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

I so desperately need Kelly Sprinkle's grateful heart today. I know what I have and know how good my life is. I've just lost touch with the one person who can bring contentment into my icky, gross heart. Good thing I know where to find Him...


  1. just some words for you that have really helped me to remember who is really in control the last few weeks. we type A personalities struggle with control, deep down knowing who actually has it. but, this comes from a devotional book a dear friend lent to me in a tough time. (it is called jesus calling) these two parts of excerpts are from the day i found out (march 29) and lou's bday (march 30) 2 days in my life this past year that have evoked some serious panic attacks. hope they help.

    " stop trying to work things out before their times have come. accept the limitations of living one day at a time. when something comes to your attention, as Me whether or not is is part of today's agenda. if it isn't release it into My care and go on about today's duties."

    "before you arise from your bed in the morning, I have already arranged the events of your day. i am taking care of you. trust Me at all times. trust Me in all circumstances. trust me with all your heart. when you are weary and everything seems to be going wrong, you can still utter these four words, "i trust You, Jesus." by doing so, you release matters into My control, and you fall back into the security of My everlasting arms."

    sorry to write a novel as a comment, but hope it helps. :)

  2. Thanks Amy. Those are sweet words. I know my wife will take them to heart.

  3. amy- yowsers. the first one especially hit home. thank you, very very much.

  4. i know, right! when i read it i found myself looking around like, "who's peeking on me? who knew this was going on today?" crazy. hope all is okay, if not...PLEASE come meet me at tybee next week. :)