Story of Two Wolves

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued,

"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

I sat in an ethics conference yesterday, reading this handout from the presenter. These words spoke straight to the battle I wage inside my head very often. I sheepishly admit that my tendency is to be the first wolf. I am the 'glass half-empty' girl and really struggle with positivity and joy sometimes. I can give myself the grace to know that I have been a very weird person for a very long time. While I was a typical high school student invovled in student council, cheerleading and ballet, I usually also stopped at Hospice Savannah on the way to one of those practices to see patients. I fed them sorbet in their last days of life, put their kittens on their beds, held their hands. I was drawn to suffering at a young age.

And I need look no further than my career choices to know that a part of me is most certainly a masochist. At 22, I was investigating child abuse allegations, taking children away from their families, taking photographs of physical abuse marks on their backs and elsewhere. Lord have mercy that seems like another life. How did I do that?? And to my current job of working with HIV/AIDS patients- suffering everywhere. I forgive myself for being a glass 'half empty' girl because I've seen a ton of the bottom of that glass.

But...but...I think when I am afforded the luxury of stepping away from social work for a season, I will look back and maybe transform into that second wolf. I will see love and hope and faith. Truly, I can see it now, from the safety of my desk with my sister's lemon bars in front of me as sustenance. I can see redemption and hope in every single abused kid, destroyed family, sick patient. But the minute I step into the ICU here, or into the recesses of my mind to a memory of a certain foster child or addicted mother, whew, the negativity comes flying back.

Anyway- so the background is there. But I don't want to be that wolf. I don't want to be the debbie downer in every crowd. The answer is there, from the Cherokee Native American. I can acknolwedge the existence of wolf number one. He's there, living in me. But I do not have to feed him. I do not have to give him any more power than he already has. The question is, how do I do that? Is it as simple as choosing kindness, humility and benevolence? It sounds so obvious. Duh Keri. Choose to channel the positive emotions. Ignore the negative ones. Right?

Thankfully, the presenter also offered some helpful tips into how I might channel wolf number two. From Loretta LaRoche's "The Joy of Stress", some of my favorite suggestions are

~Don't spend time on it if you have no control over it
~Get enough rest (hear me child? A little less tap dancing on the bladder please baby)
~Remember our feelings come from our thoughts; stay away from negative thinking
~Laugh whenever you can and hang around others who laugh- it's contagious (def need more of this!!)
~ Eat because it is a joy (check!)
~Stay away from Martyrdom
~Fake it till you make it sometimes
~Spend time with others who can experience joy!!
~Play along the way (more of this too)
~Don't wait for the right time to be happy (insert Homer Simpson's "DOH")
~Know you are the only one who can make you happy (me and Jesus)

So I'll work on this and in these final weeks of gestation, will try to become the second wolf that my little babe (and the rest of those who have to put up with me) deserve.

Wish me luck!

For this child, we have prayed...

This weekend I went to Savannah for a precious family baby shower. First, let me tell you a story about why showers make me a little anxious. In second grade, I was a year into a new school. While dad was deployed, mom agreed to let me have a slumber party. Based on space, we decided 7 girls was good. I invited 7 girls, knowing nothing of the politics that is already infiltrating girl circles by age 7. To this day, I remember having to choose between Mary Katherine and Mary Margaret. I chose, and according to the other 5 little girls, I chose the wrong Mary. None of the other girls would come without Mary Katherine. This was not told to me, nor did the other little girls' moms call my mom to regret (hence my adult obsession with RSVP's). I remember exactly where I was as I looked out our large living room windows waiting on someone, anyone, to arrive. No one did. And while I became friends with all those little girls over the years at our small Catholic school, I have never forgotten that feeling of having a party and people not showing up. I have healed from my little girl wounds :) but still do not love hostessing anything or inviting people to anything. What if they don't come?? So...back to the baby shower. I was humbled that my mom, aunt and sister would honor baby and I this way, but worried, what if no one comes?

Well, come they did. My aunt, with the help of my mom, cousin and sister threw a perfect party for babe and I. The food was amazing, the cakes unbelievable and the company, well, the love in that room was pretty freaking fantastic. And while I will NEVER EVER subject another pregnant woman to the yarn game (don't ask), I thoroughly enjoyed each and every person and was thankful for each and every gift. My mother-in-law drove down with me and braved both sides of my family, fitting right in with all the chatty Kathy's (or in our family, chatty Mary's). It was wonderful to merge family, new and old, all to celebrate this little soccer player inside me.

Baby Ninness was gifted with many essentials and mom and dad were gifted with not having to purchase some of the bigger items. People's generosity never ceases to amaze me. But one gift sticks out for me.

Until I get the photos from my cousin, this will have to do. My sister gifted baby with a basket of pink and blue. One of the items was a cross, a pink one and a blue one, with the words from 1st Samuel, "For this Child I have prayed." I couldn't let myself think of the significance of the words until church the next day, when I definitely let the tears fall. Because she gets it.

When we first began telling folks that we were pregnant, we got a lot of "WOW that was quick" and "you didn't waste any time" even a few "oops" comments. What my sister and mom and those closest to us knew was that there was nothing accidental about this baby. I prayed for this child for so many years, long before I knew her dad, long before I knew if I would become a mama. I just prayed that I would get to one day, somehow, have a baby. Ross and I prayed for this before we got married as well. For many reasons, I feared I might not get this gift. I feared that the desire I have had since I laid eyes on my first baby (my little brother) would go unheeded. Oh ye of little faith.

So, for this child we did pray, and we continue to pray daily. For this child I am grateful. For the chance to be a mama, I am humbled and in awe. And for the family and friends who celebrate with us, with love, prayers, strollers, rubber ducky towels, butt paste and diapers, we are so thankful.

New Trimester, New Outlook

Today is a good day. It's 9:28 and it's already a good day. Reasons, you ask, in jittery anticipation?

1. I only got up to pee 1 time last night. I do not know what happened. (sike, I think it's because I haven't had more than 6 ounces of water in 3 days). But whatever, if a little dehydration gets me the best nights sleep I've had in 28 weeks, I'll take it. And mom, relax. I will be drinking water today. I don't want my kid to shrivel up.

2. Today marks the beginning of the 3rd trimester. This is the last trimester I have to get through in order to see my baby. There is a light at the end of this tunnel and every day I get more and more hopeful and desirous of seeing my child's face.

3. Said child is now kicking very often with crazy strength. It is a whole different kind of kick and I love it. Husband hasn't felt them yet but babe is making him/herself much more known. Every kick makes me stop, smile, and say thank you to God. The frequency of that gratitude is making my days much better.

4. There was very little traffic this morning and despite last minute laundry, getting out of bed late, fixing my coke for the drive and dropping R off at work, I got to work on time. It's an especially good day because while I got to work on time, I forgot my badge proving that I got to work on time and my boss just smiled and said okay. (as in, she didn't give me some snarky comment about it and ruin my already great morning).

5. Yesterday I advocated for a patient who was treated so poorly by security. Even though he threw his crutches at me during his anger, he came back, with tears in his eyes and apologized. I apologized because he was treated worse than a criminal by two rent-a-cops who have no business treating my patients like that. I told the story to my boss who was livid and asked me to write up a second incident report and she would pass it further up the chain than the nurse and I did yesterday. Of all the roles you play as social worker, advocating feels the most true to our profession. Today, I am happy that I get to do this job.

6. Ross and I are making some progress on the car front. As silly as it sounds, we are even praying about it, wanting to ensure that we get a good, safe vehicle while not compromising the financial security we have worked hard to build.

7. I get to be pregnant.

8.  I get to have a baby. I figured it would, but never could have imagined how joyful I would feel getting to say that. Thank you, thank you God, thank you.

9. Filling my heart with gratitude, as opposed to the last few days of frustration and contempt, is like fresh air.

10. After 2 days of said frustration and contempt, my husband and I are still happily married. Whew!

A perfectly perfect weekend

I can count the number of free weekends left in our spring/summer on one hand. So this weekend, I was thrilled with the very important goal of simply tanning my bump. Some friends came by Saturday and we grilled food and hung out by the pool. The boys played cornhole and the girls tanned. Drinks were poured and laughter had. As ungrateful as I can get for our humble home, it's weekends like this that put me in my place. Good friends, good food and this beach babe soaking up the rays- it was wonderful.


I have to say though, at one point in the afternoon I looked at my husband. He was tossing his bean bags with as much seriousness and focus as he does on a work project (very.typical.ross.) His head was in that game and with those great friends. I was off to the side. And I didn't want to be. I wanted to be in his arms, his eyes focused as intently on me. I was jealous for a minute. I wanted my husband all to myself.

So, with Sunday's plan of Mass and then a trip to the Sweetwater 420 festival, I decided that I didn't want to share my husband on Sunday. We had an absolute blast for hours and hours Saturday with friends. But Sunday, I wanted to keep him to myself. And after we finished dinner Saturday at 11pm (2 hours after my bedtime) (after those same boys cut down 5 trees in our backyard and those same girls rearranged the nursery 40 times), I presented my Sunday plan B. Come home from Mass, eat, watch the Braves game poolside. Alone. He was just exhausted enough to agree to forego our plans.

It was one of the best decisions we've made in a long time. We had a delightful morning at Mass with wonderful friends. One of the couples we know from the Gift of Grace was there with their adorable 2-year-old and 6 month old children. At one point during Mass, Little Miss D. was getting antsy and began walking around the living room. She walked right up to Sister Maria Jose, sitting on the floor in front of the altar during Mass, and snuggled right into her. Had it not been inappropriate, I would have grabbed a phone and snapped a pic of that little girl, nuzzled into that firecracker of a nun, celebrating Mass. And this, my friends, is why we choose to worship here. I did snap this photo of these two silly gals not long ago and it depicts well the love in that home. Who says you can't tickle a woman of God :)

After Mass, Ross sat with the kids' daddy and Father Fallon and talked business while I sat outside swinging with that little girl and talking with the ladies of the house. We sang some Tina Turner and some Mercy Me (diverse interestes here ;) and fellowshipped happily.

And then my husband and I went home. Alone. With no plans. He grilled me a fantastic chicken sandwich and I poured some sweet tea. We shared lunch on the patio. I realized then that our days of 'just each other' are few (as in 86 days). It is not without a little tinge of sadness that in 86 days, I will have to share him, and with someone who will have as much of his heart (more??) as I do. This baby was prayerfully and intentionally created, desired and hoped for. God worked a little faster than we thought possible but the timing of this child is all His and we are simply grateful. That doesn't mean I can't get a little leechy and keep my husband to myself as much as I can. I need him, sometimes all to myself. I adore that man. I had as much fun playing cards and watching the Braves game (all whilst tanning the bump) as I 've had at any party. I love spending simple time with the hubs, especially when rockstar Jason Heyward bats in the winning run, bottom of the 9th with two outs!!!!  I am so happy that I listened to my jealous heart that told me to make this Sunday just about us. Smart girl I am :)

And just for giggles- a shot of the babe with big brother (only sitting there because there was a bone on the top of my tummy!!)

A Father's Love

Some of you may have seen this story. I came across it at Easter and meant to post it. It is of a father and his disabled son. This father runs and wins marathons and ironman competitions all the while pushing and pulling his son, becoming his legs and feet. More than the competition, it's their love for each other that is so amazing. I don't know if I've ever seen a clearer picture of a father's love for his child. Watching this video made me so aware of God's love for me, of my dad's love for me and of the love Ross already has for his child. Watching this video made me proud to have a dad who would do the same (if he didn't have bad knees), to have a husband who would do the same, and to have a savior who did the same amd more. Seriously, watch it. If nothing else, you will complain a lot less about your morning workouts!

I try to be so tough...

I am taking a deep breath and trying to figure out how to say what's on my heart today. I feel like I've been run over by a mack truck. Staying up until midnight having small (okay Ross- large)  panic attacks will do it to you. The reasons aren't really important. Basically they all boil down to the same thing. Idiot here needs to put some faith in the God she professes to believe in. Last night I was so consumed with fear and anxiety that I could not pull myself together. I held my hands on the kicking person inside me and felt the small whisper of God trying to tell me "child, you can keep trying to do this life thing without me. but I wouldn't recommend trying to raise this baby without me. Not such a good idea." In theory, I have no intention of raising this baby without God's guiding hand and grace. But in practice, well, let's just say that I'm a little out of practice in running to God for my needs. NO amount of financial security or job security or fellowship or family peace is going to settle my heart. No home on a cul de sac or new furniture or number in the bank will ever be enough. I am chasing an impossibility. I heard these lyrics to Josh Wilson's "Savior, Please" this morning and they were perfect.

I try to be so tough

But I'm just not strong enough

I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me

I try to be good enough

But I'm nothing without Your love

Savior, please keep saving me

Hallelujah

Everything You are to me

Is everything I'll ever need

And I am learning to believe

That I don't have to prove a thing

'Cause You're the one who's saving me

I so desperately need Kelly Sprinkle's grateful heart today. I know what I have and know how good my life is. I've just lost touch with the one person who can bring contentment into my icky, gross heart. Good thing I know where to find Him...

D.E.A.R. day

Soooo, thanks to a major car issue in our family, we are currently a one vehicle household. What this means for moi is that I get some nice qt with my husband in the mornings and evenings....and an extra 20 minutes on my commute. Anywho, today the extra minutes allowed me more time with Kevin and Taylor on the FISH where I learned that today is Drop Everything and Read Day!! Oh my gosh. This is better than Christmas for me. Had I known, I would have seriously contemplated a vacation day. It also happens to be Beverly Cleary's birthday, author of the Ramona the Pest series. Did you not llooove Ramona as a child in the 80's. I have lots of fond, hot Savannah summer day memories of me, a big box fan, Ramona and Beezus. So happy birthday to Ms. Cleary. Also, happy 50th birthday to my ma, whose love of reading overflowed onto each of her rugrats. Now, on to today's most important holiday.

Tonight, despite my husband's desire for me to help him finish painting shutters or to dust something, I will obey the declaration set out today. I will drop everything and read. And if I happen to go missing for any length of time today, I'll be in the supply closet with the IV pumps and my book :) And just because it makes me happy, some lists.

These are books I plan to drop everything for and read before life gets reeally crazy come summer.

Medjugorie. This is a book by a protestant journalist who investigates Marian apparations in a small village in Yugoslavia. My husband found this on our book shelves and suggested that I read it. It has brought him a lot of pleasure watching me read it, and me a lot of pleasure learning this story. I am not very far in but I plan to finish.

To Kill a Mockingbird. This is kind of a challenge to myself as I feel like the most uneducated woman who has ever been given (donated?) a master's degree. I refuse to birth a child until I have read this book.

How Do You Tuck in a Superhero? This is written by a friend of a friend who I would love to have as a friend ;) She is also the gal mentioned previously who, in the same month as she publishes an apparently hilarious collection of stories about raising her five boys, has given birth to a girl ! For you Savannahians, the author lives in Augusta and writes for the Southern Cross. I cannot wait to get my hands on this book and plan to order it as a gift for a few mamas of superhero boys that I know. If you know any moms of boys, all reviews are fantastic.

I would love to add more to my spring reading list. I have a friend with a slight case of OCD whose name rhymes with Jamie and allegedly has an excel spreadsheet with books on it. I may be taking a roadtrip to Mississippi soon to get my paws on it... just sayin'.
These are books I have recently dropped everything to read and immensely enjoyed...

The Help: go here for a review. I am still obsessing over this one.

Five Loaves and Two Fish: a short, really amazing story about how God provides when we are most in need

My Own Country and Cutting for Stone. Both are by Dr. Abraham Verghese, an Infectious Disease physician. The first tells of his work as an Ethiopian doctor treating AIDS in the early 80's in the poor areas of Tennessee. It's phenomenal. The second is his fiction work, set in India and Ethopia, about twin brothers whose lives are irreparably changed. Lots of it takes place in a hospital so the medical backdrop is awesome. There is also a nun as one of the main characters who is such a vibrant character.

 

The Red Tent. Amazon's review does it justice. Remains one of my all time favorites.
   The red tent is the place where women gathered during their cycles of birthing, menses, and even illness. Like the conversations and mysteries held within this feminine tent, this sweeping piece of fiction offers an insider's look at the daily life of a biblical sorority of mothers and wives and their one and only daughter, Dinah. Told in the voice of Jacob's daughter Dinah (who only received a glimpse of recognition in the Book of Genesis), we are privy to the fascinating feminine characters who bled within the red tent. In a confiding and poetic voice, Dinah whispers stories of her four mothers, Rachel, Leah, Zilpah, and Bilhah--all wives to Jacob, and each one embodying unique feminine traits. As she reveals these sensual and emotionally charged stories we learn of birthing miracles, slaves, artisans, household gods, and sisterhood secrets. Eventually Dinah delves into her own saga of betrayals, grief, and a call to midwifery.

Water for Elephants. For you animal lovers, maybe steer clear of this one. It's a hard read but a really captivating story about the circus and the intertwined lives of the people who live and work on it. I believe set in the 20's. I couldn't put it down but definitely had some moments where I had to close my eyes.

The Last Song. Okay only because I am loyal to Nicholas Sparks, and because it was filmed in Savannah (my most favorite city) and set on Wrightsville beach (my most favorite beach), I have to include it. Once you get past feeling like you are stuck in teenage mayhem, it ends up being a really good story and I was glad I finished it. I will say that I will not be in line at the theaters and will happily wait for DVD.


So, those are my most recent books suggestions. I can also say that I really liked  The Friday Night Knitting Club and it's sequel, Knit Two. Nothing crazy profound, just good, easy, beach reads about women friendships. Kind of like the Bravo TV of books :)


So, if you are still reading, drop what you are doing and pick up a book. Read one to your child. Pass along a love of warp zoning into another world and the joy that brings!

Today I have a friend who...

is undergoing surgery to complete a miscarriage. Everything is wrong about those words. I want to throw up writing them. But like Aibileen in The Help , writing the prayer is its own form of special prayer. Today I pray for a friend who has no business hurting like she is. I pray for her healing, physical and emotional. I pray that this is the last of her tragedies in growing her family.

Today I have a friend who is pregnant after a long, arduous, and expensive journey. I pray that her pregnancy remains strong, viable and healthy. I pray that she does not have to endure what my other friend is enduring.

Today I have a friend who has welcomed her 6th child into the world, and first GIRL! I pray in thanksgiving for her chance to raise a daughter and in continued hope for a healthy child and healthy mama!!

Today I have a few friends who would so love to have a baby. On different stops in their journeys to become parents, their desire is the same. I pray that God would answer their prayers and fill their homes with babes.

Today I have a friend who just took her 22-year-old son off a ventilator. I held her hand as she prayed over her boy and listened to her tell God that like Mary gave Jesus on Good Friday,  she was willing to give her boy. And give him, she did. I pray that she is able to find the strength to breathe, to pray, to live without her son.

Today I know of a woman who has died, leaving 3 little girls, ages 9, 5, and 1 without their mama. I know where the mama is. I pray for the little girls whose pain is unfathomable.

And today I know of a woman who, thanks to the precious life inside her, feels all of this so much more actuely than I could have ever felt before. The tears of pain, anger, sadness, gratitude, joy and peace are so very real. I thank God for the life within me. I pray for little baby's continued growth and health. And I pray for healing and peace for each of the amazing ladies listed above.

Building a nest

This past weekend, mom and Katie came up to assist in my early stages of nesting. And by 'assist,' I mean, take care of everything. While I was at work Friday morning, Bob Villa  Katie managed to put together our crib. When I came home from work, she and mom had arranged our nursery.  I was FLOORED. I could not believe it. If our baby decided to listen to my crazies and come out early, it would, indeed, have a place to live and play. I was ecstatic and so, so happy. Our furniture looks beautiful and was such a generous gift from Aunt Rae Ann.   We are waiting to put finishing touches on until little babe reveals pink or blue so I'll hold off on nursery shots. But, this makes me happy.

And so do these

3 out of the four items are courtesy of Aunt Katie. At Christmas, she gifted babe with it's first item of Sunday best. The booties have a story of their own as well. Many years and many boyfriends ago, Katie gave me these booties for Christmas and insisted my future child wear them home from the hospital. The fear of God was placed in me about losing them and miraculously, 'Miss disorganized' here managed to keep them for at least 6 or 7 years. Unless baby's dad yanks them off, babe will come home supporting the dawgs.

The last item is baby's first Rosary from Aunt Caroline. These are special because they are from Prague, where there is a devotion to the Infant Jesus.

The devotion to the Holy Child Jesus is a veneration of our Lord's sacred Infancy. Many saints had a very strong devotion to the Divine Child, notably St. Therese of the Child Jesus, St. Francis of Assisi, St. Anthony of Padua, and St. Teresa of Avila. http://www.viarosa.com/VR/InfantPrague/Rosaries+Chaplets.html

So, baby now has a place to sleep, booties to warm tiny feet, a shelf full of board books from McClain cousins, beautiful clothes and a rosary to pray with mama and daddy. It was the first weekend I really, really celebrated baby N. From Katie's hands accosting my belly at every turn, to mom outfitting me with some precious maternity clothes, to putting little details into the nursery, to thinking of names to present to my husband, we celebrated baby. We celebrated mom's coming 50th birthday with a 3D ultrasound session and sharing that moment with my mom and sister was priceless. 3 full days of family can and did bring its moments of stress but I wouldn't trade one minute of the stress for the memories created.

Thanks Bob Villa and Mom for celebrating our baby and making me feel like the luckiest incubator in the world.

Introducing...

our precious baby who has no name (with no name in sight). But who cares about the name. What is VERY identifiable is who this child's mother is. The hand on the head that says "it's all juuust too much" is so dramatic. So. Very. Keri.

And just because it's sweet...

Someone please remind me that 6.5 months is not sufficient gestation for a baby to be born. Because I would like to hold this little un-named child RIGHT. NOW. 9 months is just too long to wait for the child you have dreamed of since you were old enough to know that mommies had babies. Those little lips have won my heart already. And I cannot wait to see that little fist wrapped around it's daddy's finger. Oh Lord, tear drops falling...

Easter post coming...

La Familia

Last night I talked to my sweet mother-in-law for an hour on the phone. We talked about very little of consequence, mostly about our efforts at getting Ross to agree to name the baby Simon. It was nice though, just catching up on each other's lives. In-law relationships can be tricky but I am smart enough to know that in every way, I am blessed. As we got off the phone, I curled in bed thinking about family.

Earlier in the evening we had a fabulous dinner with my brother and sis-in-law. Ross and I prayed before this dinner for a couple of reasons and I think the prayers were answered in more ways than one. The best part of the night was having the whole meal comp'd thanks to a little itty bitty roach on our table. This enabled us to EACH get a dessert. The babe rewarded my generosity in letting him have so much dessert with ample kicks. Seriously though, regardless of the great, free food, it was such an enjoyable evening and I left grateful for the presence of siblings in the ATL.

Tonight my mom and sister are driving up for a fun-filled weekend, mostly celebrating baby Ninness. They are coming to a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I'm not even worried about looking silly bringing in 2 people just to hear baby's heartbeat. My sister claims she will put the crib together and my mom claims she will be up at 7 walking ALL the dogs coming along for the trip. I claim both of them are nuts but am excited to find out. Also tonight, another part of my family comes to town for a few hours. Katrina has been my best friend since the days of tight-rolled jeans and bad skin. Seeing her is like taking a deep breath and seeing the whole world in brighter colors.

This morning I layed in bed, grateful for my morning time with my baby. Whether babe just knows I want to feel him/her kick, or is just ready for mama to throw some breakfast down the pipe, mornings are babe's most active time. I love, love laying there and feeling my child move around me. Today I closed my eyes and remembered TIPS in prayer (Thankfulness, Intercession, Penance, Silence). I only got to the T and the I before the day had to start but that was still a long time in prayer, thanking God for the the last 24 hours of family and the 24 hours of family to come.

We all know that families are complex and crazy. But in a 24-hr time period, God reminded me of the beauty of mine, of the one I inherited, of the one I came from, and of the one he created through my marriage. Nooow...let's see if all these warm fuzzies last 3 days of fun with 3 Sullivan women. Again, start a prayin'.

The Family Sullivan

The Family Ninness

2 B's and a preggo girl (I'm not the preggo)