DUH - Actions
August 29, 2008
So this week has been borderline brutal. Ok, forget borderline. It's been brutal. In one week I've lost 3 patients, two that I dearly loved and one whose partner I dearly loved. It's not really a sense of loss I feel. You can't feel sad that someone whose lives are ravaged by AIDS is finally brought peace. But what I can and have been replaying in my head ad nauseum is their suffering. Everytime I close my eyes I see their scrunched faces from pain. I see them wrestling with 'do I want to have CPR and intubation or do I want to be let go naturally'. Then I see them get close to death and be so afraid. I told my 23 year old buddy that he would start to feel like you do when you get gas at the dentist, and then he'd go. What was that? Like I've ever died! And like any of my patients has been resurrected to come back and tell me just how it went. It just shows the stuff I will pull out of my butt to bring them some calm. This week I am just.freaking.plain. tired of suffering. I am tired of seeing people hurt and be scared and get ostrasized because they got a disease. (And if any one asks if they are gay or how they 'got AIDS', I might kick you in the shins. Hard. Tell me you've NEVER had unprotected sex and then, well, don't even say anything then. I'll still kick you in the shins.) Okay, probably a little over the line there.
So I'm here at the hospital Friday morning. I told sweet Ross today that I felt like I had writer's block but in prayer. Every time I have gone to pray, I hit a wall. When I need God's peace and reassurance most, I can't even crawl toward him. The only coherant prayer I got this week was holding my buddy's hand and praying that God welcomed his beautiful face into heaven. That sounds nice but I needed to pray about 700 more times in the last 4 days and that's the only one that got out. Well, because I am the luckiest girl on the planet earth, sweet Ross told me that if I couldn't get the words out, he'd pray for me. And because he's freaking amazing, I know he will. But I have to get past this. I am afraid for what I'll encounter today when I walk onto those floors and see those patients. I am afraid I'll burst into tears like I did yesterday in a moment of complete lunacy. I'm afraid I'll harden myself up to prevent those tears that I will not be nice social worker Keri.
So the answer (DUH) is to break through the prayer wall. And that is going to take more than just saying 'wuzzup God'. I've got to sit down with him, Like I'm going to sit down with my friends in Athens tomorrow and really re-connect. So, basically I am complaining that I hurt so much but am not willing to do EXACTLY what will fix it. Keri. is. stupid.
So that's the rant for the morning. I need to start putting them in print more and venting to my poor, weary friends and bf less.
On a happier note, I did spend fantastic weekend in Austin. A few days on the Comal river and Pedernales State park and my new single most favorite restaurant on the planet earth, Gristmill in Gruene. It's a tiny little area of New Braunfels outside of Austin. I LOVED this kind of vacation and have taken note. It's the kind of vacation where you lay on a tube in a river and watch sunsets. The kind of vacation where you can order 7 pastries, one diet dr pepper and a coffee for breakfast (that's for two) for $4.55. The kind of vacation where your restaurant is built into a hillside and you see raccoons as you sip your sugar rimmed margarita. The kind where your boyfriend makes you cross a treacherous river with algae covered rocks to find some obscure trail to hike (we won't repeat that part of the vacay :) So, if you want a hideaway, try New Braunfels Texas and make sure you visit Gruene. That little place is precious!
Pics from Texas to come...