Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Today I feel like this child. Chubby, in a funk, generally displeased. Patrick left yesterday. That sucks. I've talked to mom twice, both times she was pretending not to be crying. That sucks too. I was supposed to get up and run this morning but my phone (with the alarm clock set) died in the middle of the night. Now I am even crankier since I am supposed to be getting back in my workout groove. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and never made it to the right side. And dealing with other people's addictions, illnesses, impending deaths- yeah, not on the top of my list of desires today. Watch out world (family, fiance, patients). She's salty today. (Salty, my new favorite word courtesy of my soon to be Sister-in-Law). I tried Diet Coke. I tried Peach rings for the sugar rush. Nope. I even tried (gasp) protein. Nope, I'm still a salty, sour, foul, cranky girl today. As I write, I'm waiting for the self help words to come. Waiting...waiting...waiting...
Yesterday, I was feeling pretty Zen. After the shock of Patrick leaving earlier than usual, I dropped a few tears, but overall had a good day. I went to an amazing daily Mass, complete with one precious 2 year old talking the whole time. I gave dirty looks to the old lady giving dirty looks to the sweet family who probably couldn't afford a babysitter but still wanted to celebrate Mass. I saw a precious family with a dad and his son dressed in matching Air Force Fatiques. The three-year-old, Gabriel, told me being an Army guy like my brother was 'soo cool.' I told this family our whole family story, took a picture of them to text to mom, and walked away knowing they would pray for my brother as they so sweetly promised. So, yesterday, a pretty peaceful day, despite everything that was going on. Trying to figure out when it went south, I think it was my conversation with K last night.
K is a family friend, so good to us. I called and told her that I wanted she and her girls to check on mom so she didn't go home and cry every day. She said, 'Keri, nothing will happen. Nothing bad can happen to your mother. Not your mother.' Her thoughts were sweet- that mom is so good that nothing can happen to her. Sadly, K's beliefs are like many, that being good guarantees you good things. Well, I see about 14 patients a day that prove otherwise. And I know about 200 people, close friends too, who prove otherwise. Bad things have nothing to do being a good or bad person.
So I laid in bed and let myself go to the bad place. What if the worst happened? My whole hearted prayer was that I would continue to love and serve and have faith in my God, knowing that surviving such tragedy isn't really possible any other way. I prayed that my actions would show people I love, may who do not believe in God after their losses, that God is the source of the very strength needed to survive after that loss. And then I wondered if this conversation with K and my thoughts after were some sort of premonition. Good Lord please don't let me have to remember these thoughts. Please don't let me look back on this conversation with K as some sort of sign of things to come.
Ugh. Maybe that's why I slept so badly and woke up so badly and am proceeding on this day so badly. Chrissie told me one time that you have to choose to be happy and choose to have a good day. Well, sweet Christine, I'm trying. Maybe not very hard. But I'm gonna have to start if this day is going to continue without major waterworks.