January 25, 2010
This one is more for my own memory, so that I don't forget how I feel at this moment. This morning R and I heard our baby's heart beat. As in, the baby's heart does indeed beat. It was literally music to my ears and I wish I would have brought a tape recorder. The baby's heart beats beautifully at 140-150. When I worried that all my sugar eating may be making the heart rate go too high (normal is 120-160), she smiled and said that the only thing this heart rate told us is that the old wives of the world would say it is a girl. We will not find out the sex but it was cute to speculate based on what old ladies have been saying for generations. We'll see if they are right.
I cannot explain the peace in my heart right now. I have had bad dreams about getting in there and the doctor not being able to find the heartbeat. I ask Ross to pray at random times during the day, including this morning, that the baby would be okay. As I grow more in love with this gremlin, I grow a little more nervous. But today, all signs point to having a healthy baby in July. I have the same tears in my eyes as I did when she was rolling that ball over my belly. Our baby's heart beats. It beats. It beats beautifully and regularly and strong. What a miracle life is!
So little one of my soft belly, keep growing, keep that heart beating, and know that you are loved beyond understanding already. I still cannot believe I get to have you. I cannot believe that my dreams are coming true and that I did not have to carry the tortuous cross of infertility. I cannot believe that I love you so much at 4 months old. I cannot believe that WE get YOU! Please please please please don't do anything crazy like get sick or decide that living with Jesus is better than living with us (i mean, it would be but don't even think about it). Please decide that with all our flaws, your dad and I are the best people to raise you. And if you don't believe I am the best mama for you, base it on the dad in this deal. Because let me assure you, little person, that never will you find a more loving, giving, adventurous, vivacious, energetic person to be your dad. You will learn and grow and explore every day of your life with him as the dad. Trust me. Stay put in there. You won't regret it (at least with him :)