July 31, 2009
This week has been NUTS. No more crazy than most people's, I'm sure, but it's been crazy. While our personal lives have been busier than ever, both mine and R's jobs are kicking our butts. Add to that equation an inability to sleep for many consecutive nights and you have one crazy, tired social worker and her exhausted, over-worked fiance.
After literally begging God to quiet my mind the last few nights, I have increasingly gotten more sleep. (Or as R says, I've just been so tired my body had no choice in the matter). I don't care the reason. All I know is that thoughts, anxieties, ideas, to-do lists have run through my head all day and night for weeks. And the days have been filled with putting out fire after fire after fire and still having to ensure my patients have what they need before they go out into the world and live with AIDS. Their needs are constant. And to some degree, I am paid to meet their needs. Someone gave me a cartoon once that said "Aren't you just the cutest little black hole of need?" Good Gracious, no truer words were said. My sweet (and some not so sweet) patients nneeeed so much. And then there's my precious fiance who needs a supportive, comforting partner. And then there's the puppy who neeeds to be walked or loved on. And then there's me. Who just neeeeeds some cotton pickin quiet, in my sleep, in my work, anywhere I can find it. My fabulous shrink/friend Audrey wrote this yesterday on my facebook page "Pay attention to your own life, your own health and wholeness. A bleeding heart is of no help anyone if it bleeds to death". Well, I don't know if my heart was bleeding, but I was about over tending to anyone's needs. I needed to go back to where I find wholeness and where MY needs are met. I didn't have to look far.
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress. I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:1-2. I will not be shaken by the overwhelming needs of the sick, the poor, and the dying. I will not be shaken by the needs of my home and family and new life. I will not be shaken by my very natural inability to meet all of these needs. I thought this last night. I prayed it. And then, peacefully, quietly, without interruption, I slept. Blissful, quiet, restful, rejuvenating, re-energizing, sleep.
I woke up today and after a shower sat out back in a plush robe, just me and God. And, drum roll please, my heart was quiet. My fears were quiet. My anxieties were on mute. It was just me and my good friend Jesus. Enjoying the quiet of the backyard, wet hair, warm heart. And because I myself am the little black hole of need sometimes, God took it one step farther. As of 2:12 pm Friday, Grady is quiet. My patients are quiet and praise sweet God, my pager is very quiet. (I realize I could be jinxing myself for the next three hours but am hopeful). This morning I have taken many deep breaths, smiled more and relished this quiet that this very loud, very passionate social worker MUST have. I need the quiet so that I can hear the voice of God telling me that I do, indeed, have the energy for another patient. I can be supportive of my family and fiance's needs. I can keep truding along in this very loud, busy world.
Tonight, after I put two precious little girls to bed, I will hopefully continue this time of quiet. I will curl up on a sofa, turn down the lights, and delve into March , my wonderful new book based on father, Mr. March, in the beloved story, Little Women. And after this blessed time of quiet, I will be ready for the fun, loud, but wonderful weekend that awaits us.